Spike: Vampire Singer
by lilvalkrie
Summary: an amusing fan fic (well... I think so!) concert starring the cast of B: TVS LOOK OUT! here comes chapter 2!
1. Default Chapter

SPIKE: VAMPIRE SINGER

Mack the Knife lyrics (lilvalkrie's version)  
Original Words and music by Kurt Weil  
New words and music by lilvalkrie  
Starring Spike the vampire and Buffy the Slayer while they were an item.  
Cameos by the rest of the cast.

New composer's note: Spike is pronounced Spik-ee

Curtains up, spotlight is stage right  
Enter Buffy & Spike, stage right, hand in hand. 

B: Oh, the shark has pretty teeth dear

She kisses Spike

And he shows 'em, pearly white  
Just two long fangs has Spike dear

Spike pretends to bite her, but she slaps him upside the head

And he keeps it way out of sight

Spike draws back with a blush

S: When that shark bites with his teeth, dear  
Scarlet billows begin to spread;  
Drains 'em bone dry does Spike dear  
And there's never, never a waste of red

Dancing ballroom style  
Then someone throws Buffy a newspaper and she reads it then rolls it up and uses it like a cane

B: On the sidewalk, one Sunday morning  
Lies a body, minus life,   
Someone's sleeping in the crypt dear  
Could that someone be vampire Spike?

Spike tries to look innocent

S: My girl Drusilla, split the scene, babe;  
And your Angel, left the town!  
B: Now Spike dear, is my favourite  
Giles: Do you suppose Buffy's, done something rash?

Spike pushes Giles to the side and grabs Buffy by the waist.  
More dancing. Then spike grabs Buffy by the hand and they flip in the air Matrix style.  
Buffy comes down in a split and Spike lands on his feet. He draws her up and they do the jitterbug

B: My friend Willow, lost her boyfriend  
Tried to cure heartache, but it didn't work!  
Now something freaky is happenin'  
To the friends she views as jerks!

Anya tap dances on stage and pushes B aside. B gives her a dirty look   
Then looks around for Spike, who quickly wipes away a trickle of blood from the corner of his mouth

Anya: now Giles is blind 

Giles staggers onstage blindly and crashes into Anya.   
She shoves him offstage

And Spike proposed to Buff, 

Spike goes on bended knee, then jumps up and twirls Buffy  
They continue dancing

Xander attracts demons; will this spell his doom?

Xander runs across the stage screaming. Two monsters follow him.   
Anya throws a bucket of water on one and melts it. There is a distant shout "Thanks! Arrgh!"

Buffy's crazy, 'bout a vampire  
And she's gonna wed him soon!

Spike spins Buffy by the legs. But he miscalculates and lets go. She slides into the left wing  
There is a crash. Riley runs across the stage and pounds Spike then goes in search of Buffy. 

B: Demons offered Willow demon powers,  
For the chaos she had caused|  
But my best friend chose against them,  
And is sorry for all she'd done!

S: & that's the story of this episode,   
Sung by Buffy and vampire Spike,   
With cameos from the cast,  
To the sounds of Mack the knife.

there is big band music and they dance some more

Oh Sookie Tawdry, Jenny Diver,   
Polly Peachum, Old Miss Lucy Brown

Enter Willow, Anya, embarrassed Xander and   
thunderous-looking Giles both in drag and looking very bloodless  
Spike licks his lips in happily 

B: Hey the line forms, on the right dear

They join into a line and they do the Can Can. 

Now that Spike's back in town  
You'd better lock your doors, and call the Slayer  
Because Spike ...

W & G,X & A echo after each other "Spik-ee" while the guys 'dip' the girls.  
Xander smooches Anya while he's at it.

...Is back in town

They Can Can off the stage, to the left, but Xander gets his legs tangled up, and they go down like dominoes  
A monster drags the line offstage. then it runs across the stage screaming, followed by the gang wielding weapons.  
Buffy and Spike are left and he twirls Buffy into the wings. There is a muffled crash  
She stalks out and kicks him. Hard. They argue and then end up kissing.   
Giles drags them off stage.  
The monster inches out onstage in a Tux and tap dances the "shave and a haircut: two pence!"

Curtains down


	2. when Xander sings

She Bangs

Originally sung and performed by Ricky Martin.  
Much improved by lilvalkrie

Quiet night in the graveyard. Buffy going slow, on patrol, with Willow tagging along. Then there's some hot Latin music and Xander struts onto the scene wearing tight RED leather pants and a loose black silk shirt. He has on a pair of shades and a cocky grin.

He starts to shake his bon bons to the music, and Willow get's a stunned look on her face. She opens her mouth and squeaks, "Xander?" Buffy recovers faster and grins evilly. 

Xander:

Talk to me  
Tell me your name  
You blow me off like it's all the same  
You lit a fuse and now I'm ticking away  
Like a bomb  
Yeah, Baby

Fireworks go off.

Spike bursts onto the scene dressed in BLACK leather pants, mesh shirt. He has a vampire posse with him. He licks his lips while the posse surround the hip-shaking Xander.

Xander and Spike:

Talk to me  
Tell me your type

Xander is in the posse's grip and Spike pulls off Xander's shades

Together,  
Xander:

Buffeeeeee!! You're gonna save me , right? 

Spike:

I wanna know what's the flavour tonight

Spike grabs Xander by the neck and makes to bite him when Buffy's dainty foot connects with his mouth and he spins away from Xander; the vampire beside Spike gets "dusted". 

Xander and Spike:

You're slaying vamps and now you're hittin' my heart  
Like a drum  
Yeah, Baby

Spike runs off and Buffy snatches a sharp piece of wood and waves it at the other vampires and says "Go on make my day!"

Xander:

Well if Lady Luck stays on my side  
We're gonna keep this town alive  
I'll help her round vamps up

He sticks a foot out and trips a vampire

& She'll knock them out  
She walks like she talks,  
And she talks like she walks  
And she bangs, she bangs  
Oh baby  
When she moves, she moves

Buffy chops a vampire in the neck and fells another with a roundhouse kick. She reaches out for the next vampire then lets go when she realises that it's Xander.

Xander takes off his shirt and twirls it over his head, before sending it flying into the face of the last vampire, and Buffy stabs it with a funny look on her face. 

I go crazy  
'Cause she looks like a flower but she stings like a bee  
Like every Slayer in history  
She bangs, she bangs  
Monsters wasted in one fluid move  
No one ever looked so fine  
Just remember: that woman only got one thing on her mind

Then Xander spots Cordelia coming in with Giles in a black trench coat lugging a big black bag. She stalks up to him, twists one ear, then kisses him soundly, and sticks out a tongue in Buffy's direction, before she shakes her ass dancing in a circle around Xander. 

Xander:

Talk to me  
Tell me your game  
We're just members of your Scooby gang  
We take down monsters as a team  
What a dream  
Yeah, Baby

Enter Spike and posse. 

Spike:

Don't talk to me  
I'll tell you the news  
You beat me once, now you're gonna lose!  
We'll feed on your friends until they're dry  
& Then you're next  
Yeah, Baby

Cordelia moves to the side while the gang spring to Buffy's aid, and Giles pulls a crossbow out of his big bag and throws it to Buffy. 

Cordelia:

Well if it looks like love should be a crime  
You'd better lock me up for life  
I'll do the time with a smile on my face  
Thinking of Xander leather so red!

& if Lady Luck stays on our side  
We're gonna keep this town alive  
We'll help her round vamps up

She punches a vampire on the nose and shoves him at Buffy

& She'll knock them out  
She walks like she talks,  
And she talks like she walks  
And she bangs, she bangs

Buffy shoots two vampires with her crossbow.

Xander:

Oh baby  
When she moves, she moves  


Buffy does a back flip so that her feet connect with another vampire and she lands on her feet then discovers that there are no more vampires, cos Spike got away

Xander:

I go crazy  
'Cause she looks like a flower but she stings like a bee  
Like every Slayer in history  
She bangs, she bangs

He rips away the red leather pants and lo behold! He's wearing a pair of cherry red Speedo's, and he shakes his behind for Cordelia as he waggles his eyebrows.

Willow collapses with a stricken look on her face, while Buffy giggles and helps Will' to her feet. They leave. The graveyard is silent once more, except for some rustling bushes. 

*****

Then there's some soft music. Giles, with a furtive look on his face, whips a disco ball out of the bag and hangs it on the nearest crypt door then sets it spinning. The music gets louder, as Giles fishes a cassette player out of his trench coat and takes off the coat and struts to the centre in a white disco suit, singing:

Whether your're a brother  
Or whether you're a mother,  
You're staying alive  
You're staying alive

Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha!  
Staying alive, staying alive,

Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha!  
Staying alive, staying alive,  
Staying ALiiii-iiiiii-iiiiii-iiiiiive!

Then the disco ball shatters and Giles goes "Oh bugger! Not again!"

Parodiers note:   
Buffy the Vampire Slayer characters by Jos Whedon,   
Music: Ricky Martin – She Bangs  
Bee Gees – Staying Alive


End file.
